Victoria, 57, is an artist and actor — both solo activities. The isolation of her work, going through perimenopause, and living with a partner not sympathetic to her symptoms — made her feel more alone than ever. Ultimately, she wound up leaving her marriage. “You can’t explain menopause to someone not interested. It’s like trying to explain being pregnant.”
How do you think menopause contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
I probably was in perimenopause when I first met him, but it became more prominent as the years went on. I seemed carefree, and then — there was so much drama.
How else did the change show up in your relationship?
I wanted to be alone — to disengage. It became a social strain for us. My husband was very social — and I used to be. (Laughs)
Were you aware that you were in perimenopause?
Sadly, I did not fully realize what I was going through for the first four years of our seven-year marriage.
This is not uncommon…
I know. It’s still not really talked about enough. I knew there was menopause, but I didn’t know there was perimenopause — and then postmenopause. And here I am. A grown being.
Did you experience vaginal dryness?
Well, my libido died. But when you are arguing with your partner 24-7 — who wants sex? I did have vaginal dryness symptoms towards the end. But by that time, I didn’t care.
Was the parting mutual?
Yes. I got tired of feeling that I had to explain myself. And even though I didn’t know exactly what was going on with me — I eventually knew that menopause played a part in it.
Do you think he took your menopause seriously once you realized your symptoms?
Look, my ex will research everything. But he didn’t research menopause a whole lot. And that did not make me feel great. It’s like trying to explain being pregnant. Impossible.
I never knew what it was like until I got pregnant and had my son. So, it’s not a gender thing. It’s an experience thing.
Has menopause affected your relationship with your son?
In fact, my relationship with my son became closer. I’d share with him when I was having an “off” day due to menopause. He was able to see that I am a human being and not this perfect parent.
You’ve sent an informed and empathetic man into the world. Thank you!
You’re welcome!
Your work has centered around individual activities. You’re an artist, an actor, teacher – did you reach out to anyone for support through this?
To put it bluntly, no. I have some girlfriends. But I’d bring it up and they’d brush it away — gone. I brought it up to my mom too.
Was any kind of sex education at all from her?
No. She basically said ‘it didn’t even affect me. I can’t help you.’
Where are you now with your symptoms?
I don’t know if it’s postmenopause or just being single and away from him — but I am feeling great! (Laughs)
Still some hot flashes but nothing like what it was.
What advice would you have for a woman struggling to manage perimenopause and a healthy marriage?
For the woman – they need to have an incredible amount of patience with themselves. A lot of women can be so hard on themselves going through this — wondering, ‘what is wrong with me?’ or pretending it’s not happening — ‘I’m just gonna get through it.’ And I’m one of those people. But there is a point where you have to love yourself in order to give yourself a break.
Also, it doesn’t have to be a solo activity in your marriage.
I think that talking about it with your partner is key. I’ve thought back to see if I really made a concerted effort to talk to my ex-husband about it instead of just saying, “argh — I got night sweats.” That was more hinting – more passive. I didn’t point blank say — “this is a problem. And it’s a problem for the two of us.”
