Susan Torres, 51, is a casting agent and survived being told “absolutely nothing” from her mother about her body. Of Venezuelan and Puerto Rican descent, growing up, Susan’s mother was a devout Catholic who never spoke about anything related to her body or sexuality. Currently perimenopausal, she began experiencing disruptive symptoms at age 49.
“Among all of my many female relatives — the words ‘menopause’ or ‘perimenopause’ were never used. I had absolutely no idea what was happening. I knew I was sleeping — A LOT, starting to not remember — anything, and experiencing inexplicable passing heat waves. I told my mother I may be seriously ill when she casually responded: ‘Oh you are not sick. You are in your ‘private summer.’ Period. End of discussion. Welcome to my world …”
You have to tell me more about this “things that go unspoken” thing between you and your mother. Do you think it’s cultural?
There is no doubt in my mind it is cultural. My mother is Venezuelan. My father is Puerto Rican. They never spoke of our bodies — or anything sexual for that matter. They may have little nicknames among the elder female tribe — but you don’t hear about that until you are there.
Do you have resentment?
Definitely! I first got my period at 12-years-old. I dragged my mother into the bathroom. Her response? “Well, you’re a woman now. Watch yourself and don’t come home pregnant.” That was it.
So, do you feel this was about our bodies being a secret — something to be ashamed of?
It wasn’t shame. It felt like: Here’s another one who’s probably going to get herself pregnant.
And she was right. I had a teenage pregnancy.
I wish she had said: “Now that you have your period, let’s talk about protection.” But that didn’t happen.
Why do you think she handled it this way?
My mother was a practicing Catholic. To her, my innocence was gone. And — she had seven kids. She was exhausted.
So, there you were — young and pregnant. Who taught you — well, anything?
Being a young teenage girl is where the shame came in. So, I moved in with my boyfriend’s mother. She was a second mother to me and taught me what she knew. I didn’t have to figure out everything on my own. I wish she was around now to help me with this perimenopause. (Laughs)
Well, how are you feeling now — what are your worst symptoms?
Hot flashes. I am getting ready to put my trusty fan on now — I call her Fanny. Also, brain fog. Lack of energy. And: I gained weight. My lifestyle changes fixed the weight and some of the brain fog. But the heat … only Fanny fixes that!
Do you mind giving us some tips you’ve learned to help manage your symptoms?
I don’t eat meat for 1 or 2 weeks — so mostly fish and vegetables then. I drink juice with kale, carrots, and my favorite — ginger! Gave up sugar. More fruit. A whole lifestyle change. The younger Susan would never recognize me.
What about your libido?
I’ve been celibate for fifteen years. I’ve lost the urge. Don’t care.
What advice would you give to your daughter if you had one?
I would say everything my mother didn’t — about stages in a woman’s life and be PROUD. Be knowledgeable. I would love a chance to be that GRANDmother!
Is there any good news about perimenopause?
Oh yeah: You don’t have to spend money on heavier clothes and coats! You’ve got your own built-in heater!
How are you and your mother now? Is she proud of you?
Very proud. I am an accomplished manager and agent — a long way from barefoot and pregnant…
Now, mom and I even talk a little bit about perimenopause — once she mentioned the “secret” password: ‘Private summer.’ (Laughs)
