There was immediate heat when Tamula, 54, who loves to dance, and Anita, 56, who loves to watch Tamula dance, met at a club ten years ago. Now, though happily married, there is a different kind of heat featured in their marriage — hot flashes. What’s it like for two women going through menopause transition — at the same time — in the same household …
How long have you two been together?
10 years.
And when did menopause make its first appearance in your lives?
Anita: When I turned 49. I remember because I started gaining weight — and was planning my 50th birthday party. I bought a cool outfit — and by the time the party came around, I couldn’t get into it. (laughs)
Tam: For me, about 48. I started getting hot flashes. Hard.
And is there an age difference between you two?
T: 2 years.
Oh, so you were very much happening in sync.
Both: Oh. We sure were. (laughs)
What phase of menopause transition are you both experiencing?
A: I have been without my cycle for two years. So technically post-menopause.
T: Just a year ago, it was spotty. Unreliable. Then I got hit with cervical cancer — and with all the radiation and chemo — I don’t have to worry about my period anymore.
Oh, I am so sorry. When did you hear this news? When did the treatment start?
T: Last October. And we got the news in August. It was all quite shocking.
A: But this October, it has been one year — and I am now cancer free.
So, you were going through radiation, chemo, and hot flashes at the same time, Tam? How did you feel when your period totally stopped? Physically? Psychologically?
T: A sense of relief. My cycle was really bad. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I was changing clothes constantly.
A: For her and for me – our flows were just so heavy. We had the same kind of symptoms.
I wish people talked about this more. Now there is some discussion but …
T: Not as much as there should be. There is a sense of embarrassment and so much shame.
White Jeans? Forget about it!
Both: Bye-bye! (laughs)
Has the menopause transition changed your relationship? And if so. How?
A: Yes, it has. Unfortunately, we aren’t getting together intimately these days. As soon as we get together, one of us is HOT.
T: Yeah. We burn — at the same time. But not in the good way. (laughs)
So it happens almost nightly with you?
A: Yes. With one of us. So that has been our biggest shift.
How about emotional — any depression involved?
T: Yes. A lot of depression for me. Between the cancer and menopause? It was a double whammy. I mean, in the end, my partner gets it.
A: We have our days. Tam can be snappier toward me now. Then we have days we are snapping at each other. That is the part that is different too. We get on each other’s nerves more often.
How do you support each other through all this? Do you make a conscious effort to try?
A: Yes — for the most part. We listen. Try to be patient. And I have been through it before Tam. That helps.
T: And my therapist gets talked to — a lot.
I am conscious of not wanting to be mean to Anita … so …
A: And we laugh — a lot! That has saved us. That is our support system. (laughs)
Were either of you prepared for perimenopause?
A: No preparation — at all. My mom died at 50. So I never got to talk to her – though she was probably going through this at the time she died.
T: My mom’s take was basically: Well, honey. you might be going through “The Change.”
The change! Well, Anita. Though you lost your mother early in life, do you remember having any conversations with her about what it would be like to be a sexual person?
A: No. Not with that generation. We both have daughters — and we made a decision to talk to them about all of this. I think that is the biggest difference between that generation and ours — we do try to have more real talks — at some point this is gonna happen to you! I wish I had that.
Do your daughters live with you?
Both: Hell no! We got them all out — and with their kids. (laughs)
Do you have any tips to share with our community — when there are two of you going through this together?
Both: Yes. Keep all of your doctors’ appointments. We keep ours. So if something went bad – which it did — we knew early.
We talked about the bad side of menopause — are there any up sides you want to talk about?
Both: WE CAN NOW WEAR WHITE! (laughs)
